I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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