it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
