I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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