my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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