Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
