I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
