I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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