I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Operation Purity has been aborted
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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