I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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