Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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