turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
