just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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