Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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