I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
