I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You have to summon your inner elephant
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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