so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
