the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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