I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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