You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
