I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
