cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
