i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
