But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
