remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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