Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
