I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
