a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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