I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
