when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
