so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
