I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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