I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
