Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
