How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
