Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize