You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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