Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
