i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
