Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
