3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Your face is a jimmy john
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
