His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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