He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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