Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
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