she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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