history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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