The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
