Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
