I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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