I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
