my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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