I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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