My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
