I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
