i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I have tasted many bathrooms
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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