I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
