then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You ruined the universe
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
