I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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