when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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