I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
