You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
