i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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