I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
