we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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