3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
