highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
