Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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